Tabs' Blabs

Life goes on...

2009-10-15T18:08:00.000-07:00

Talk about a crazy last couple of months.
I wish I could understand myself. I really like one guy, I am totally into him, I'd do anything for him, but he has other things going on. Plus, I am already tied up with another person anyways. I should just let go of it all. Why is it so hard for me to let go? Let him live his life in peace away from me and such. Part of me wants to do all this stuff with him. Like, I want to really make him happy and do anything I can to do that. The sucky part is, he has a wife who should be doing that already. Why do I need to even put myself in a situation where I am envolved? God, he is hot. *sigh*
I dunno what to do about Jon. Part of me wants to work things out, part of me doesn't give a shit. Why can't their be a manual to tell you how you know if you really love someone or not? I love many people, for many reasons, but how do I know if I am IN love? How do you figure that out? I love Andre for his honesty, goofyness and just being an awesome friend. I love Jon for being caring and a smart ass, he's really smart anyways, so he can pull that off. I love Otis because he's dependable and he's Star's mechanic. I love this other guy because he makes me feel so special, but he's also just a good person at heart, and I can talk to him.
I love Sar for taking charge of her life, whether it's right or wrong, she makes her decisions and sticks to them. I love Monika for being the only person on this planet who truly fucking gets me. It makes me feel like I am not alone, god she's amazing. I love Amanda because she is awesome at cheering me up and making me laugh so hard I can't breathe. She's really trustworthy too though.
If only I could pick out the same good characteristics in myself, I'd have it made. But I do not think highly of myself, and as time goes by, it gets worse and worse.
The self help books say you make your life, you are in charge of your life and the decisions you make, that nothing is out of your control. Sometimes I get gunho on this, but recently, i've thought it is all a load of bullshit. If it were true, this guy that I am totally into, would be mine instantaneously.... but it doesn't work that way. It's this thing called reality, and as one of my buttons in my car says "Reality is the only obstacle to happiness". Boy is that the truth.
So I think I should just become a hermit, with Tyler, because I do know I love Ty to death. All those times I've cried myself to sleep, Ty's been there to cuddle with me. Anytime I needed cheering up, I had my Tyler. What would I do without my Little Black Sunshine?
Life goes on....
~Tabs

Moving on...

2009-09-17T08:01:00.000-07:00

So.....
I am soooo into this guy. Like, really. I want to talk to him everyday and see him and anything else. I know what I have to do because of my dream I had. I know what I need and my time line. I really feel this was supposed to happen long ago but it didn't. I know I need to follow this through. So is it the Devil on my shoulder egging me on, or is it really an angel telling me this will all work out for the best in the end? I have no idea. All I know is I turn into a teenager when I see him again. I know that his kisses are remarkable. I know I want to do so much with him, in all different aspects of life. I can talk to him like I do Andre. There's not that many people I can be that way with. I LOVE LOVE LOVE him and his family. I know his whole family and went to their place a few weeks back. It was like going home. I felt at home there. Such a wonderful feeling. Especially since the house I am living at now doesn't even feel like home to me. I am really into him. I am trying so hard not to fall... I know better. I know I need to keep my distance for now, but it is sooooo difficult to do. I know I am biased, but I think there's something there. He's so sweet. But not that fake shit that guys do when courting women. He's genuine. I love that. If he does like something or does not like something he'll tell me either way. So when he compliments me, I know he means it. God, I adore him so much. I know, I need to stop...it's just very difficult to.
I still haven't heard from the temp agency so I am going to do some job hunting on my own. Hope it works out. I need something in Cedar Park. I am sure I'll find something. I still have some time, but not much. I'll get it though, I WILL DAMMIT. I WANT this sooooo bad.
I am supposed to meet up with him this weekend.... I have so much running through my head. I feel like I have one day and that's it to spend with him. Although I know better. I know I'll have more, but right now I feel sort of rushed. I know we shouldn't rush anything at all.... I think the best part is, I actually feel like I have a chance. Like, I don't feel like he's using me for anything, and I know how he feels about stuff.... I think I really do have a chance with him. Once I free myself up and get aligned, then he can do it. And eventually it will work for both of us. That's what I am thinking.
Meanwhile Jon has become clingy and trying to undo all the shit from the last 5 years. You can't undo that in a day. I know he loves me, I've told him a million times that I don't love him in the same way. He is still pushing though, and I feel trapped at times. I don't feel the same way as he does. I think the last straw was when I had to borrow money from Michael. It got so bad I HAD to borrow money from someone. I am fucking 26 years old and shouldn't have to do this shit. I have lots on my mind. I know what I need. I get excited to just talk to this other guy. I can see having an awesome life with him. I really really want this. So bad. I can feel things changing, inside and outside, all around me. And for once, it is GOOD.
Hugs & Love,
Tabs

Yesterday's awesomeness

2009-09-14T09:16:00.000-07:00

Hello hello. I am back! ACK!!
Man, I had a really good day yesterday, and even better dream last night. We hung out with Sarah and Ryan and then Sarah left. We took Ryan home and ate some of his dad's AWESOME awesome home made chili. We hung out with Jim and Sarah and Ryan and his family for a bit. Then we went home for a little bit and got into a pretty deep conversation about everything. Stipulations on our relationship and where we see it going if different things happen or situations come up. We went to James Avery and I got my jewelry polished. While waiting for that we went to Home Depot and looked at paint chips to get an idea of what color to paint the room at Sarah's if she really doesn't mind me painting it. Then we went back and picked up the James Avery stuff. We went out to the park and talked for a very long time. The rain has made the temperature there perfect. There was a great breeze and everything. We ended up walking to the Congress bridge and the turning back to the car. We went to Schlotzsky's and eating and then we came home. We didn't get home until about 9 pm.
When I finally went to sleep I had the best dream ever. I was in this house, and he was sitting on one end of the couch watching tv. The couch was cream colored, the walls were bright white, tv was black. I sat down next to him and he pulled me closer to him to watch tv. I laid with my head on his chest and his arm around me. I was at complete rest and peace with him. I felt so safe. It was probably like a three second dream, but it was just so comforting. Anyways....
That's my life in a nutshell. Yay.
~Tabs

Choices....

2009-09-04T01:28:00.000-07:00

Hello.....
I have lots on my mind...surprise surprise. Is it part of human nature to want what you can never have and to not want what you do have? If so, human nature sucks monkey balls.
I have a temp agency meeting set up for ten o'clock Tuesday morning. Wish me luck! :-)
I am afraid to write this, but at the same time, I need to see it in writing. I had a dream, my spirit guides were in it. They said give me a month, a month to change my life and to get my shit together. Just a month, and this is what I need. Then things happened the next day after my dream. Jon and I fought. I smashed some rocks and got out aggression. I talked to an amazingly good friend. As Aerosmith says "It's amazing, in a blink of an eye you finally see the light". I've said it a million and twenty thousand times. Fuck this saying it shit. Get off your ass and finally do it Tabitha! GOD! Talked to mama today too. She says I need to live on my own for six months...assess the situation..... maybe I'll get my fuckin head out of the clouds. Maybe I'll realize just how awesome I really do have it. Maybe I'll pull my head out of my ass, the sand, what the fuck ever and get back on track. Maybe I don't have it that awesome and I'll realize that too. Either way, I need time and space and money and a job.
I am going to chat with Sar tomorrow. We'll see how things go.
Meanwhile, mom wants to buy her grandmothers house in Kentucky, and then buy another place in Corpus Christi. WTF? They can't even afford rent at the place they are in now. GOD DAMMIT...I AM NOT GONNA FUCKIN BE LIKE THEM! I need a stable job that I can retire from, shit. I am nearly thirty and I don't have a fuckin stable job. Shit. I swear up and down I don't want kids and then I am in awe of people who do. Sarah is an amazing mom despite Jacob fucken left her. See, that's the shit I don't want. I don't wanna end up on my own with kids. Everywhere I turn it's happening though. People get divorces, kids tossed back and forth between the parents. NO FUCKING WAY do I EVER want that.
Ryan and Kaela got a divorce, Ken and Shelley are getting a divorce, Sarah and Jacob are getting a divorce....and all this fucking year. Why bother to get married in the first place? I dunno what the fuck I think about anything anymore. I understand the situations upside down, right side up, inside out, I see every body's perspective.
I dunno what the hell I am doing currently, but I do know this. The people who have helped me on my way will NEVER be forgotten. And if by some miracle, I get fabulously rich, I will be sure to pay back all those friends who helped me, ten fold. DJ for being there for me with all that shit with Clay, Fran helping me through the miscarriage, Andre for helping me with family issues, Amanda for helping me figure shit out, Sarah for always being there for me, Otis for always fixing my fucking car, Michael for helping me move when nobody else would and giving money when I can't pay my bills, Jon for encouraging me to go to college, Monika for just being an awesome cousin...do I need more of a reason with her? LOL. I am indebted to each and every one of my close friends in some way or another. And one day, I'll make it up to them. All the bullshit that they put up with from me, all the late night chats and phone calls and crying that I do, they will know that I needed them and I am forever grateful to have them in my life.
How amazingly lucky I am.... yet I still feel that the grass is greener on the other side.
Peace out peeps....
~Tabs

2009-08-31T10:14:00.000-07:00

I am so happy about certain things in my life...yet I am so pissed off at other things it's not even funny.
I have said it a million times, I am sick of this debt situation. I am sick of this crap. And wtf does Jon do? He takes ALL of the American Express points and trades them in for gift cards to restaurants, so we can 'celebrate' when he gets his real estate license. God, wtf? Celebrate with your first check, not with the fucking points. That's like going to Gattitown, getting a bunch of points so you can get a lava lamp but wasting them on fucking pieces of gum. DAMMIT. I really need a fucking printer. I wanted that money to go get me a printer. You know what, fuck it. I don't care. Fuck him.
As far as my happiness goes, I have to get out and away. I had the best time the other day just sitting at the old house, tearing it up a bit too since Dad wanted his rocks from there, but just, getting the fuck away from it all. I need my life back. I need my courage and strength. I had it before, I just have to re find it.
I had a dream Friday night, Granny C was in it. The dream was very intuitive. She gave me that nudge I've been really needing. She also told me she hate's Tyler. Hmmm....anyways, what I want to do, what I am desparate to do, I am meant to do, so, thus be it. I have amazing friends. This is not going to be an easy task by far. I am doing this for myself. I lived on my own and it was the best fucking time of my whole life. When one door closes, three others open. I've set a goal for myself, in fact, my dream set it for me. One month. One month to get this shit over and done with, taken care of and through with. I've signed on with a new temp agency today. Sent Amanda an email, and now I gotta figure out what I am going to do to pay Michael back. I will get it figured out though, no doubt about it. I am not going to be financially in debt the rest of my life nor am I going to be dependant on someone else my whole life. I am not my fucking mom. I will not become her either.
That's my story for the day. Many doors....which one's to choose?
Hugs~
Tabs

I messed it all up.....

2009-08-28T10:05:00.000-07:00

Well,
I genuinely screwed up again. I am so sorry, I'll do anything I can to make it up to him. I hope he gives me a second chance. I totally understand though, if he doesn't. All I can do is sit and wait, and hope he does.
*hugs*
Tabs

Breaking a cycle....

2009-08-27T18:51:00.000-07:00

I've fallen pretty hard. I am not sure if I can pick myself back up. I feel lost, but also found. Full of depression, but excited at the same time. Support has been taken out from under me, and I find my own two feet are all I have holding me up. Determination is needed to see things through. Being a sloth gets me no where. I have created where I am at. I am looking at it, and it seems so perfect and so wrong. The life of a human being is unlike any other. We have morals, codes, ethics, religions, philosophies, bills, jobs, families, choices, songs, movies, dance, theatre, freedoms of expression that no other creature has upon this planet. We are full of wonder, life, and curiosity. We have the capability to see greed, hatred, sadness, madness, insanity, war, killings, death, destruction, negativity, violence, and even more, we have the capability of doing all of these things. Is it a wonder we have not imploded ourselves yet? Is it a wonder that we are going through life as robots, that cannot find meaning in the confusion? Some people see a light, and they run for it. Sometimes they make it, sometimes they get there and realize it's not as great as they thought it would be, but most of the time, they don't even bother. Why waste the time? If I was meant to go there then I'll get there eventually right? Some say everybody has a purpose of their own to fulfill in this life. It is for us to figure out. How the fuck do we do that? Some say we are only here to keep our species going, well, I am a failure there. The one thing everybody always wants, is all the answers. Life would be less complicated with that, don't you think? If you knew your own path, where it was to lead, where you would go and who you would meet during the process, it would make things easier right? If everybody could see where their lives would end up with choosing different paths, then, maybe then they could make the right choices. Who would want to pass that up? Make the right choices....without a magical glass ball, to tell us where these choices lead us, how can we make the right ones? We are conditioned to believe doing certain things in a certain way is the right thing to do. Is it though? If you are miserable, is it right to keep living the way you always have because everybody around you says you need to? Do you yearn for things you feel you shouldn't? Do you feel you are a gerbil on a wheel that never goes anywhere? Are we ever going to break the cycle?
I give kuddo's to those who have already. Good luck to everybody else.
Cheers~
Tabs

The Sweetest Thing ~ U2

2009-08-25T21:07:00.001-07:00

Hello, I am back.
It seems lately I've had the best time ever just sitting back and talking to the most amazing guy ever. Not only have I had a crush on him every since I can remember, he's just as awesome as he was way back then. I wish I could escape my past. I wish I could figure out what to do with my future. I can't get him out of my head. It's so horrible and so wrong, I know. I've always had a thing for the smart asses, but he's like, the best of both worlds. All the shit that I like about Jon I see in him, but then all the good things I had with Clay I see in him as well. *sigh* Why do I do this? Why do I torture myself with what if bullshit? He's so freaken hot too. I wish he was happy. I'd do anything to make him happy. I guess nobody really cares. He's good at cheering me up too like Andre is. He's such a sweet and caring person. I really should just shut up now, huh?
I have to figure out wtf I am doing, with my life, career, school, everything. Just when it seems I got it all figured out I go and fuck it up again. Why can't I just stick to one thing and follow through with it? Jon's dilly dallying around on his stupid real estate stuff. I've already borrowed money for stuff.... I guess I'll hit up a temp agency again at some point. I am sure there's something out there, I just have to be positive about it. It's so hard to be positive when everything around you is so negative.
I hate missed connections.
~Tabs

Paper towel holder :-D

2009-08-24T11:45:00.001-07:00

Hello again....
So yesterday was amazing. Well actually last week was a pretty good week in general despite the ups and downs. We gathered money from friends and family to pay off bills and things seem to be on the beginning upswing again. Saturday's party was fantastic, had 13 people here total and we had a really good time. Sarah seems to have gotten over her temper tantrum so that's good. Yesterday I met up with Chris at his parents house. Talked to Karen and him for a bit. I just love that family so much. They've always been exceptionally nice to me. Chris followed me back here and he met Suz and Jon. As always, I gave him the grand tour. LOL. Suz was apparently watching Basic Instinct and all pissy over crappy sex scenes..... she should just watch porno, she'd be happier. Chris went back home and not too much after that Suz and I went back over there. Of course she had to take her dumb dog....geez... anyways, Chris went with me to go look at the old house. Such a shame that people don't care about things or appreciate them. It is now officially a piece of shit trailor, no joke. Walls smashed out, windows broken in, toilet still sunk in and going to fall any minute, no carpet, wallpaper and linoleum all ripped away. Grandpa's hard work all chipped away, porch falling apart, no trees in the yard anymore but the plum tree (which seems to be doing exceptionally well), mailbox gone, fence gone (but at least I know it went to a good home ;-) ), it's just really sad. I saw the wall, the one where dad used to measure my height every year. My bookshelves are all falling down in there, (they were built in), and mama's closet is gone. So sad. I suppose there is no hope of even if I could buy the property back, of ever trying to restore grandpa's work. I know though, that I needed this. As much as I hate it, I had to see this to let it all go. One more time with Sarah, I want to take pictures, and then no more until they do bulldoze it down. Then more pics probably after that.
Anyways, I ended up going back to the neighbor's house to get some screw drivers...I got the old papertowel rack :-P!! I remember when dad put that thing up. He was 6 foot 3, and mom was only 5 foot 2, and dad put it up as high as he could. Mom went to go get a paper towel, and she couldn't reach them so he called her 'shorty' and ended up moving it down so she could reach it. I get excited over the stupidest shit. It was so wonderful to see Chris. He's as adorable as I remember from so long ago. I still get flushed when I see him. Guess some things never change.
I went back to Karen and Danny's to give them back the screw drivers and they showed me what they've done to the place since the kids have been gone. Karen has her own art room now, it's really wonderful. Their old bedroom turned into her art studio, and Chris and Jason's room turned into their new bedroom. Jen's room is just a storage room now. They have really made the outside of the place look nice, with all the plants and stuff. It's really pretty.
So I finally got back to the car with Ginger and Suz. Later on, Ginger tried coming into the bedroom and Tyler clawed the shit out of her. We don't allow dogs in the bedrooms, but if I am in a bedroom Ty is allowed in it too. He CHASED Ginger and attacked her. Suz got all bent out of shape saying that if Ty did that again she'd hit him with a shoe and I said "The hell you will. This is MY cat's house, if you don't want him clawing the fuck out of your dog, then don't bring your damn dog over". She seemed pissed off but I really don't care. Ginger learned, her ass wasn't in the bedroom for the rest of the night. She stayed FAR away. Owner maybe be dense, dog sure isn't though.
I honestly think, if things had worked out differently, Chris and I would have dated a long time ago. I may have ended up being that wife of his rather than his current wife. Another missed connection. Damn.
So that's life and what it entails as of now. LOL.
Hugs~
Tabs

Fairytale Land

2009-08-20T03:30:00.000-07:00

Well booger.... I can't sleep. I dunno if it's due to all the stuff running around in my head, or do to my cat slurping as loud as he possibly can to clean himself, either way, I am awake. And a bit grumpy I might add.
I have all this stuff I am thinking about. I wish I had an off switch. Turn my brain off for like 8 hours. I guess that would make me brain dead and then I might piss myself... ok, so scratch that. I wish I had a SLEEP button... there we go, much better. I seem to sleep the oddest amounts at the oddest times. Grrrr.
I seem to always blab about the same stuff. My grandmothers nuts. My mom is too. Dad and Grandma are wonderful... blah blah blah. I want to go to school, I want to get my shit together.... blah blah blah. I guess I am not doing much if I am sitting here in bed doing squat. On a good note though, the medical transcriptionist people finally got back in touch with me. So maybe I'll have that rolling soon enough.
I really love Jon, but sometimes I wonder about myself. I really hate the idea of "what if" because all those what if's distract me from reality. I cannot live in what if world, but I've spent a lot of my time wondering things I shouldn't be wondering.... at all. Will I ever be truly happy? If I believe that each person is the creator of their own destiny/happiness... then why aren't I happy? Ok, shut up, it's not just the lack of sleep. But seriously, I see all these people living amazing lives....and then there's me. I want an amazing life. It doesn't have to be a lot... just to be out of debt would be good in my book. Out of debt and in college. Apparently that's too much to ask for.
Why does he leave? Is it so hard for a guy to cuddle after sex? Really? Is it that unbearable? Ok, I've plowed you...now I am running away... wtf? And if I ask it's "If I HAVE to...." . Not like, "oh yes dear, I'd love to cuddle" of coarse that latter sounds sort of gay... I am grumpy and you get my drift. I feel like there's no..... love there. There's friendship. Companionship. Fun times. but that doesn't equal love... or does it? Why do I always get in the same rut? Is it me? It must be me...wtf am I doing wrong? Dammit. Why can't I have a partner who isn't in debt and is stable? Why is it everybody says something different? Some family love him, some don't care for him, friends think he's either awesome as ever or the biggest asshole they ever met. Why can't everybody like who I pick? Why can't I just shut my brain off? Stop wondering... NOW! Gosh...
So Andre is doing a Lord of the Rings marathon in Haifa. All I can say is THANK GOD I AM NOT THERE. First two movies had no ending, then the third movie had like five endings. I HATED it. Andre thinks if I watch them enough they'll "grow on me" ... I think "like a wart I can't get off". Told you I was grumpy.....
*dreaming of fairytale land* So I am in school at A&M CC, and living with my ooberly awesome cousin Monika. The hottest guy in the world suprises me by being at my home when I come home. We walk the beach and have a picnic. We talk about anything and everything and although his ultimate goal may be just to get into my pants, he cares about me, and will wait. We go on several dates. I get embarrassed because he sends me flowers to work that I outwardly loathe because I have to explain to people they are from a guy that I am not really dating but sort of..... but inwardly I love that he thought of me and did this. Finally he asks me that question that I've always wanted him to ask, but never figured out how to answer it without sounding stupid. The question is "So just how long have you had a crush on me?" to which I reply with the truth feeling childish the whole time. He comforts me by telling me he's felt the same way about me for as long as I have felt that about him, which just creates one more thing we have in common. We stay home and watch movies together where I use him as a pillow and fall asleep close to him. We discuss life, passions, needs and anything else that comes to our minds. Always flirtatious, but always mindful at the same time. Respect. Care. Love. Oh, and we do it....for all you pervs out there that would think this was lame if I didn't include that. Anyway, that's what I want. *sigh* Fantasies seem so gay... *snaps out of fairy tale land*
I should be happy with what I have. I always say that. Ok, you know what, I'll just shut up.
Maybe I can get some shut eye now....
~Tabs

Family

2009-08-19T09:41:00.001-07:00

Hello.
Well, I talked to my mom on Monday night, and we talked from 9 pm to just past midnight. Today I am going to discuss what I spoke about with my mom. Growing up, I never knew my mom's family really. Mom and dad were very much over protective of me, and due to certain circumstances, I wasn't allowed to know part of my dad's family - but that story is for another day. I never knew ANYBODY on my mom's side. I don't remember anybody or know any of them. As far as mom was concerned, she wanted nothing to do with any of them ever again when I was growing up. So holidays were spent with grandma and grandpa (dad's parents) and mom and dad. Anyways, I moved out, mom and dad moved, mom and I had our huge falling out, and then they moved to Kentucky - peculiar thing, since mom's family is from there and she said she never wanted to back there ever again when I was growing up.
So we are talking again, and sometimes I wish we weren't. I am finding out the family horrors and I have no idea what to think or say about any of it. I've always known that my real grandmother (my mom's real mother) has been in an insane asylum the whole time I've been alive. Apparently, just recently she was released to a half way house. Weird. So, now I have more clues to the story.
I found out, that before Jonell (my real grandmother) married my grandfather, she was married to another man. Everything was peachy and ho hum... she had two children with this man, a girl and a boy. Angela and Rueben. One day, Jonell comes home to find her husband hung himself in their house. She freaks out - as any person in this situation would do. She ends up going to therapy and in and out of different psychologist/psychiatrists and she apparently 'gets better'.
Eventually she meets my grandfather. She is 24, he, was 48. This was right after WW2, and it was common for men to marry much much younger women. My grandfather had gotten Tuberculosis when he was in war, and Jonell was fully aware of that. However, he was not fully aware of her mental condition for she never told him anything about it. So they are madly in love, and end up having mom. Over time, the course of a couple of years, Jonell tries to kill my mom in three different instances. One time, my mom is crying and in her crib, and she can't stop crying. Jonell comes in and can't get my mom to be quiet so she puts a pillow over her head and nearly suffocates her. My grandfather came in and moved Jonell away and comforted my mom. Another time, Jonell is bathing mom. Mom is being fussy because she's a little kid, and Jonell gets mad and nearly drowns mom in bath water. Again, my grandfather comes in and stops it and takes over. The third time I heard of, mom was sitting in the kitchen sink. She's nearly three years old. Mama hates watermelon. Jonell is trying to feed it to her at the sink. My grandfather and his mom are sitting in the dinning room along with Angela and Rueben. Jonell is cramming watermelon in mom's face, but mom refuses to open her mouth. Jonell throws the watermelon down and starts to literally strangle my mom, to which my grandfather gets up and moved Jonell and my great grandmother picks up mom and comforts her. These are just the stories I heard, I wonder if there were more....
I am so scared. My biggest fear is to end up as a single mom, and not be able to control my anger and do this sort of thing. I think some people are really meant to be parents. Jon's mom is an excellent example. She loves kids, was a great mother for him and is wonderful. Andre's mom is the same way, she planned every one of her kids and she is incredibly loving, sweet and kind. My mom, only had me out of an 'oops' situation. I don't think my mom was meant to have kids. I had a pretty good life growing up, and it could have been so much worse, but then again, it could have been so much better. Jon is right, I do have very high expectations of parents, and I do fear that I won't meet my own expectations. I guess I am understanding more and more why my mom is the way she is. She does not know Angela or Rueben. She is deathly afraid to see her real mom....and with every right to be afraid of her. Apparently my grandmother is a paranoid schitzophrenic. My grandfather since 1985 has passed away. My grandfathers best friend, Virginia Bell Miller ended up raising mom from the time she was two until she was ten, but Jonell had visitation rights. Visitation was finally taken away, and Virginia got very sick and could no longer take care of mama, so she ended up being given over to the state and United Way was in charge of her. She went from foster home to foster home and lived in three girls homes. She ran away when she was 17 to Houston Texas to live with my dad, and shortly after that they got married and had me.
I am not so sure I wanted to know all of this about my grandmother. More than anything in the world, I want to know if I can stop it. I don't want to be like mama or my grandmother. I really pray and hope I never find myself in this situation. Ever. I would rather be sterile than to screw up some li'l kids life because I am not mentally fit to be a mother.
I have to get my degree in psychology. It will explain so much to me.
Sorry to be a Debbie Downer, but this has been what's on my mind recently.
~Tabitha

The good and bad of FB

2009-08-18T09:18:00.001-07:00

Hello, I am back.
"Do you have a job yet, Tabitha?" You ask.... nope, I am still being a lazy bum.
I totally pissed off Sarah last week. *sigh* I guess we can't all be perfect.

I love facebook....but at the same time, I sort of hate it too. I love that I can reconnect with old friends. Recently I reconnected with two very good friends from way back when and it's been totally awesome. I found my Flubber!!! (Chris Fender). He is living I think in Minnisota...Michigan...one of those M states, and he's got a girlfriend, he finally graduated from Culinary School and is a chef. I ALWAYS knew he'd be a chef, every since I was a freshman in highschool and I used to watch his li'l bro. It was great, dad would drop me off at their house in the morning, Flub would still be asleep and so would Andrew (Chris's little brother) and I'd hear Chris's alarm go off. He'd slap it off and fall back to sleep. This would happen over the course of like thirty to fourty five minutes until I knocked on his door and told him he needed to get ready for work! So then he'd crawl out of bed make it to the kitchen and make the most awesomest breakfasts in the world for him, Andrew and me. I remember one time, he made pancakes, bigger than the plate! I told him I couldn't eat that much and he just said, "Ok, well eat what you can and I'll eat the rest!" LOL. God, that was one of the best summers ever. Then my dad got in an arguement with Jim (Chris's dad) at Ace Hardware. Daddy quit his job that day. Cathy came home early and took me home and said I was fired from watching Andrew. I asked why, what did I do wrong and Cathy responded "Jim says if your dad's a quitter than you all are and he wants nothing to do with y'all". I was really saddened by this. Chris told me later him and his dad got in a raging huge arguement that night because Chris said that wasn't a valid reason to fire me. Jim said it wasn't any of his business and Chris went to throw a punch at Jim but Cathy got in the way. Because I wasn't watching Andrew anymore, and because dad wasn't at Ace anymore, I didn't get to see Flub very often after that. He was always so sweet though. Unlike Quilty, who was a complete jackass. I have no idea how they ever became such close friends. Oh well.
Anyways, I've also been talking to another Chris from school as well, Chris Easter. You know how some people are pack rats with stuff....they just have a house cluttered with shit because they can't seem to throw anything out? I have a brain like that. I remember the stupidest/funniest crap that really doesn't matter, but I keep it in my head. I remember playing the Sega Genises at Jen's house (Jen is Chris's little sister who is the reason I'd go over to their house a lot), I remember so much about their house. I had an obsession at the time, with getting those sticky hands or sticky feet from the 25 cent machine and we'd get them stuck to the ceiling in Jen's room. Chris or Jas would have to come in and get them down for us if we couldn't ourselves. Most of the time it was Chris, Jason usually stayed away from us. I remember that the couch they had, the back was not against a wall. Chris would come hauling ass from the hallway and jump the couch and land. The sucky part was sometimes Jen or I were sitting or laying on the couch and he wouldn't see us and so he'd land on us! I have no idea why I remember all this crap but I do. Hahaha.
It's been cool talking to him too though. Like Flub, he was always picking on me but it was always fun. Chris was a bit different than Flub though. Every once in a while Flub would do something and be a complete jerk, and that'd be the end of it. Chris would do something and was a complete jerk, and then felt guilty/bad about it so he'd do something really nice to try to make up for it. LOL. I remember that too. HAHAHA. He is married now, with three children of his own and his own place. He seems pretty content, and I am really happy for him. It's odd...all my friends seem to be all grown up.... and then there's me. I don't drink, at all really, but I do have parties/get togethers, I don't have kids, I am common law married, I don't have a degree in anything or even a job, let alone a stable job. Some of it I want, and some of it I am afraid of. I've never really been around any kids, and my mom isn't the best role model as far as parenting goes, so I am not so sure I'd make a good mom. I really don't even want kids to be honest. I guess that's why I am not in a big hurry to get married 'for real'. I guess I'll always be the dumb naive kid in the corner. Oh well.
Anyway, the bad part of facebook is that all these people I don't know, but that knew my parents, want to talk to me and be my friend. I don't know them, I want them to leave me alone. It's ok if I knew them myself, but I don't. I absolutely love how I have my stuff set up with fb though. Anytime I get an email through facebook from a friend or even a message from someone not on my friends list, or anytime I have a friend request, I get an email in my normal email account. I never in a million years thought Chris (Easter) would want to talk to me, about anything. I made a remark on a pic his sis put up of him on fb and then I got an email through my normal account that asked "Is this the Tabitha McBroom I remember?". But when I got onto fb, it didn't show up at all in my inbox. So I wrote him, but figured he remembered Crosby more than me since she was older and stuff. He remembered me and we started chatting. :-)
However, around the same time, Leah, the crazy nut bag who wants to do my dad every time she thinks of him.... ewww.... sent me a friend request. I got the notification via my normal email but no notifications through fb when I signed on there. I wrote a big rant about 'a person stalking me' on facebook. Pauletta (another one of dad's friends/my childhood babysitter) and Leah are best friends. Anything Pauletta knows, Leah knows. Pauletta wrote on my note asking who was stalking me, and now I know I have nothing to worry about. Because I know she either blabbed it or showed it to Leah, which is precisely what I wanted. So what does this boil down to? I love my friends and reconnecting with friends from a long time ago. I hate dealing with people my parents knew that I did not know. If I didn't know you, I probably want nothing to do with you. Not to be rude or anything, but I care very deeply about each and every one of my friends, and I'd rather spend my time on them. Or apparently ranting on here about random crap. Whichever. LOL.
So that's the news. Jon is in real estate boot camp right now. It's three days long, Monday through Wednesday. He's taking his test hopefully by the end of the week and then after that has to get fingerprinted and stuff. Once all the legal crap is done, he'll be an agent! :-) And now, after all the fighting, he now wants me to be 'his secretary' which is what we talked about from the start! So basically, once Jon has a job...I'll have a job too! :-) Sort of. Anyways....
I should go, I write wayyyy too much and people are probably reading this just to help them fall asleep!
Hugs~
Tabs

RIP A.M.

2009-08-09T13:29:00.000-07:00

Hello,
I just found out today, that one of my friends from high school passed away on Valentine's Day 2004. She died of an overdose of heroine. It snowed here in Austin that Valentine's Day. I remember it clearly myself because of all the bs i was going through with Clay. I knew this girl was into pot, maybe some other stuff, but never thought that it was heroine, or cocaine or anything like that. She got pregnant when we were in school and had a son whom she named Pheonix. I understand making mistakes. I understand 'oops' kids. She hated her kid's dad because he never took responsibility for the kid. She hated him so much she became gay. I can understand that. What I can't understand is continuing to do hard core drugs when you are a parent. Why do people do these things? Now the kid has no mom because she sent herself to her own grave. This deeply saddens me because things could have worked out another way had she made the right choices. I wanted to talk to Andre about all this, but he signed off AIM. I guess I pissed him off. Despite today's sad news, I had a great day yesterday.
Jon and I went to Christine's House Warming Party. The house they have is gigantic. It's huge. I could never imagine having a house that big. Not sure I'd want a house that big either though. Anyway, it's really beautiful. We hung out there a while and Karen and I went to Sarah's to have pictures taken and stuff. It was really fun. I got a lot of good pictures of me too, which I posted on fb. I wish I could be a model. :-( After a while the guys came over and we played games and stuff. Otis and Karen left early and we watched a movie called Sex Drive. It was really good. It's that romantic stuff that every girl wants and every dude dreads. I guess that's why I thought it was good.
So tomorrow I am going to go to a different temp agency and hopefully get a job. We'll see how that goes.
~Tabs

One track mind....

2009-08-07T09:16:00.000-07:00

I have determined that I have a 'one track mind'. The reason I think this is because I get on these mental kicks, where all I can think about is this one thing and I can't get my mind off of it. It can be anything from a hot guy in a movie, to going to A&M, to beating the crap out of my ex, to Andre, to getting married, to not getting married, never having kids, why does my mom treat me the way she does, and I really hate working. Before I wake up, I think my brain decides what kind of day it's going to be. "Today is going to be a Kal Penn day" and I am like, ooohhh....sexy indian actor who is now in government and stopped acting....why'd he stop acting, he should keep acting.....
Anyways, for a while I was thinking about marriage, and how I could picture Jon and I getting married and stuff. But now I am on my Andre swing, and it's just so fun I don't seem to want to ever get off. I swear, he is the only person that can piss me off like there's no tomorrow, and make be burst like a volcano, and for some reason, mentally I can't let go of him. I do not see eye to eye with him spiritually, and for me that's ok, but not for him. I keep having these dreams where somehow we've lost contact and we find each other again when we are in our like fourties. And Iam single and we decide to live together again. In real life, he started talking to me again. He is so depressed in Haifa. I don't get it. Why would you not see the whole picture? Of coarse, his religion believes that if you aren't happy it's just a test of your faith in God. Blah blah blah. I totally believe that you make your own destiny and happiness. You are the creator of your own universe. He believes God is responsible for making you happy, but other than serving for his faith and being more like the Baha'i writings say to be, he is totally, gone, sad, depressed, lonely, homesick. I can't imagine why somebody would want to continue living in the circumstances he is in. He has like no friends over there. He gets online and talks to me, which I love but I don't want him to be lonely where he is. How odd is it that in a place where everybody believes in the same stuff, that it's harder to make friends? He's got a sure foundation of common interests with these people yet has no friends. But here in America, he has jack squat in common with people here whom are his friends, yet he is friends with them. WTF? I don't get it. Seems you'd be able to make MORE friends with a community of people that believe the same ideas you do.
So yesterday I think I hit my all time new record of movies watched in a day: 7! I watched Dukes of Hazzard (that newer one), Role Models, American Pie 1&2, American Pie Wedding, Harold and Kumar do Whitecastle, Harold and Kumar go to Guatamala Bay. Man... Kal Penn is so hot.... anyways.....
I guess that's all I have for now.
~Tabs

Bitchyness

2009-08-05T18:58:00.000-07:00

Ok, I know it seems like all I do on here is bitch, but I really need to rant. I am sick of being poor. I am sick of not having health insurance. I am sick of being out of money and behind on my bills. I am sick of all this shit! I am sick of being wishy-washy. I don't have enough gas in my car to go to an interview, let alone get to a job for two weeks and then get a pay check. I'm really pissed off at that dumb temp agency. They suck ass. God.... out of the 7 deadly sins, fucking sloth got me man. I am not motivated to do SHIT. Yeah, I am broke, yeah, it irritates the fuck out of me, but do I get my lazy ass out of bed to go look for a job? Hell fucking no, I stay in bed until 5 pm and stay up til 7 am. I am so mad at myself. I know I shouldn't have quit stupid fucking Lowe's without a backup job, but I really hated that place. Not all the people, I just couldn't avoid the ones that Ihated. I dread seeing Jon's sister this weekend. We have too. They have this house warming party they wanted us to go to. I don't want her asking us about our financial shit. She acts like she's better than us. She acts like she's richer than us, and she is. She rubs it in every chance she gets. I don't want to go, but Jon is making me. I am sick of my stupid teeth hurting. I really need to get my wisdom teeth pulled, but everybody tells me Scirex is bad and they don't do shit. I can't afford to get my teeth done otherwise. Why is everybody fucking against international healthcare system in fucking America? Other nations have it and they love it, and we are assholes and say "No, we LIKE BEING IN DEBT PLEASE LET US BE IN DEBT TO MEDICAL PEOPLE". This sucks.
I feel so wishy washy. I swear to god, if Andre came here right now, this instant, today, and asked me to marry him I'd say yes. What the fuck is wrong with me? WHY AM I LIKE THIS? Of coarse, if Jon asked me I'd say yes to that too. fuck me.
*Sigh* I have no idea what I want to do, other than I don't want to be like my parents which is precisely what I am doing, but it's not enough to motivate me. This sucks.

Get on with it already!

2009-06-11T15:03:00.000-07:00

Well, hello, I just finished talking to my bestest friend ever! :-) He always cheers me up. I dunno how, but I love talking to him because he makes me see the good in life and how beautiful it is sometimes. Well, I told him of my convo with Karen and how offended I was. He told me I asked for it,to which i replied "I DID NOT! I was sitting there minding my own business when she just went apeshit on me out of the blue!" He told me I may not have asked her directly, or even indirectly to tell me what she thought, but that maybe subconscously I needed to hear it. He told me that maybe she is unhappy in her life and wants to 'save me' from being unhappy too. As always we talked about everything. I told him I was babysitting this summer and he said "And i thought you hated kids! ;-)" I've discussed the kids thing with him. I know I could handle it with him, it'd be scary but exciting. He thought my tarot reading for a job to get me through school was interesting. He believes if I delve into the Baha'i Faith and learn about it and become devout, my life will go the way I want. He told me about Divine Confirmation, which is exactly how the Secret works. Pray and ask, take action, recieve, reflect and be thankful. He told me that he thinks I will get what I want if I just take a leap of faith. I did a tarot reading on myself again yesterday. I always get the same damn cards, doesn't matter which deck I use. The main card is one that says "Procrastination is the thief of time". Lately in my last 4 readings at least, I've gotten the Fool as my first card. To keep from always picking the same cards, I use different decks and still get the same flippin cards. So what does this mean? It means I am stagnant. It means I am afraid to take that leap of faith that Andre told me I should. Amanda says I am afraid of what is to come, Andre says it too, Karen says I need to get my shit together and Sarah says she'll always support me. I am not sure what exactly I am supposed to change though. So, I went back and looked at my Texas A&M stuff. I wrote the admissions office and asked them why I hadn't gotten accepted or declined, and what I can do to get in. I am looking at jobs in Corpus Christi. I talked to Sarah and told her what I've always told Amanda, that Andre is the one. He's the one I feel I am supposed to be with. She told me she felt that way when she met Jacob. And she couldn't 'wait for the right time' to get things rolling with him. She said it wasted precious valuable time she'd have with Jacob. She looked at me like I am nuts, to think that if he's the one I am supposed to be with, then why on Earth would I goof around and sit on my ass instead of making my life better and open to bring the situation that I want to me?
Drum roll....
I am going to figure out how to go to Corpus and pay for it all. I am going to figure out how to get my shit together. I love Jon, he's great, but he's not the person I yearn for. He's not the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I could do it, I could spend my life with Jon, but since we've been together I haven't been as happy as I was when I was on my own. I am happier with him than when I was with Clay, and he's given me an amazing life. But it's not the one I want. I am very grateful for all he has done and all we have done together, but it's not the way it's supposed to be. Sarah's right. I need to get off my ass.
Corpus bound this fall. That is my goal, to live there and do everything there. Matters of the heart will be put to the side. School and career stuff comes first.
Andre has never told me how he thought things would end up for me truly. He never says if I should stay with Jon or I should leave. He never says how he feels about me deep down. I am sure this is most wise of him b/c if he feels the same way as I do about him, he doesn't want to be the one who makes this choice for me. He wants ME to make MY own choices. We all have free will, the will to make our lives what we want and to choose the things we want to accomplish and do. If I go to him, within my own free will, it means tons more than if I go to him because I just ditched Jon. I totally get that. I get too, that maybe Andre really does not like me that way. I will never know if I stand stagnant. I do know, that since the day I met Andre he made me melt. I loved spending every minute with him, even when we were angry at each other. I love talking to him late at night, whether in person or online. I love having him in my life. I struggle between a moral obligation and my heart. My heart says that I always have, and always will, love Andre so much it hurts. But morally it's wrong to dump somebody for no reason other than I may like someone else. I hate inflicting pain on someone, especially as innocent and caring as Jonathan. But everyday I live with the agony of myself. So I need to clear myself. I need to work on my career. I need to go to college and finish it. I need to make something of myself. I want to study all I can about psychology, but at the same time, take a leap of faith, and hope that God will be there to show me the way. I don't think I have ever wanted anything so bad. It's a toss up. Do I want a degree and a career more or do I want the man of my dreams more. I am a greedy li'l punk who wants both! I love Andre with all my heart, and the only way to prove it is to change my situation. Procrastination is the thief of time indeed.

Busy, crazy, depressing world

2009-06-08T18:18:00.000-07:00

*sigh* I just got back from Port Aransas. Jon, Karen, Otis and I all went down there for the weekend. Before that Monika was here for five days and before that the four of us went to Schlitterbahn. It's been crazily busy here. Sometimes I really like my friends and other times I can't stand them! Karen got on to me the other day about how Jon and I need to 'combine our finances and work on paying stuff off' like A) I didn't already know that and B) I asked for her advice? She asked me how long I was going to have the attitude of if I had to live on my own I again I could, and I said well probably forever. I got screwed over with Clay. In this last busy, crazy week, I realized he has (had) a trunk full of my stuff and never told me he still had it when I moved out. Childhood possessions were in that trunk. It's just stuff, I know, but still, I got screwed over last time I combined everything with a guy I wasn't married to. So yes, I still own MY couch, MY desk, MY dishes, MY SHIT. Fuck off. If I need to live on my own again I'll have it. If not, I'll have it. And WHO THE FUCK IS SHE TO TELL ME ABOUT COMBINING FINANCES? Her and Otis don't have a joint checking account or anything, she pays the utilities and her credit card, he pays morgage, rent and his credit cards. WTF? Karen basically made it sound like I shouldn't be with Jon if I can't combine my stuff with him. Why is it people have to tell me what they think when I don't want to know or I don't even ask? I was just sitting in the livingroom in the condo at Port A., Jon and Otis were outside cooking bbq and playin on the computers (they stole wireless internet down there and got better connection) and I was just sitting in the living room. Karen just asked me if I would ever be happy if Jon and I were both buying a place together and if not I should dump him. Apparently in her book it's ok to not be married and buy a house together with some dude, but I am more cautious, no house until we are married. What's so bad about that? What business is it of hers anyways? WTF?
So this led to me being depressed for the rest of the trip. Thanks a lot Karen. I was sunburnt, sad, and everybody just thought "Oh, Tabs is sunburnt so she is sleepy, w/e." I just felt like crying. I like being with Jon, but everybody seems to want to tell me how to live my life and that I am not good enough to be with Jon or vice-versa. It is true he does not have the key to my heart, but the person who does, doesn't care nor like me in that way, so I do the best I can with what I've got. I am not a whore like Monika. I haven't been with over thirty guys. I don't use people for sex, that is wrong. There is a reason I wanted to be with Jon when we first got together, we clicked. We enjoyed each others company. We agree on many things. In fact, the one thing we don't agree on is money, but everything else we usually see eye-to-eye or at least understand the others perception on stuff. Jon believes in me, more than I believe in myself sometimes. But due to conversations like these, I wonder how things will end up. I wish I could see into my far future. If I ever have kids, if so how many and who with? Do I ever get my fucking psychology degree? If so do I ever do anything with it or am I still some minion running a cash register somewhere? I wonder about these things. So admist my sadness, I wondered about all of this. I ignored everyone and stayed quiet. I kept to myself. When I wasn't reminded of the last trip to Port Aransas and how Amanda Zapata ruined it for everyone, I was reemed by Karen about my life. I went there to enjoy myself, not to get depressed. Never again will I go to Port Aransas with Karen and Otis. The condo is beautiful, very nice, and I appreciate them letting us stay with them and taking us there. But the next trip to the coast I am planning to take with just Jon, screw the rest of you people. At least I don't get depressed when I am with Jon and if I do he tries cheering me up. Why can't people just be happy for me?
Monika made me a dream catcher while she was here. It's beautiful. I love it. Andre comes down in July to Dallas to visit. We are planning on seeing him for a weekend. I miss him something terrible. But he has other things to pursue in his life, I respect that and hope that whatever happens, only the best will come from it all.
*Hugs*
~Tabs

2009-06-03T09:41:00.000-07:00

Hello again.
Well, I picked up my cousin Monika day before yesterday, and last night we had a party at the house. Went pretty well actually. I am pooped! People who came were ofcoarse me, Jon, and Monika. Then Keith came in and Jon Price. Then Amanda J., Karen and Otis and Suz and Jeff came later on. I know it's such a drive for everyone, I am so lucky that people don't mind coming out here in the middle of no where to see me! :-) We had fun, played in the pool and the jacuzzi, played Mario Kart and Super Smash Brothers. It was a small enough crowd that we could all talk to each other, but it was a big enough crowd that things didn't get boring, or there wasn't a conversation hog, so it worked well! :-) Jon called in at work, he is currently snoozing.
On another note, Andre wrote me an email tellin me that he is coming down in July. I am so excited! :-) YAY! He is going to be in Dallas and won't have time to drive down to Austin. He's so cute, he says: "Yeah I won't be able to come to Austin, I'm having a friend that I work with here come stay with us for his vacation too. And for July 3rd to the 10th or so I'll be visiting my Dad in Minnesota. You're welcome to come visit on a weekend or something and we can spend the whole day together, but I suppose it would be a lot of driving and I think our house would be too full to have space for you and Jon. :( Still maybe we can think of something?" Ah, I'd love to see my Andre!!! So now I am determined to get a real job and save up so I can see him when he gets back in the states!
I was talking to Monika yesterday, and I told her I came to a realization. I realized that I never wanted kids with Clay, and honestly, I don't really want them with Jon either. But I could totally imagine myself having kids with Andre. Monika was like, that's wierd, why? And I told her about when we lived in Lubbock, how I'd start cleaning the house and Andre would ALWAYS come out and help me. It didn't matter what I was doing, he'd always come and help. I'd do the dishes, he'd take the garbage out. I'd clean the living room up and he'd clean the dining room. That sort of thing. It was like pulling teeth to get Jon to help out, and most of the time, even after I screamed at him, he stilll wouldn't do shit bc Andre would have already done it in the time I was yelling at Jon to do it. So, I take that, and I think about it. And use the same concepts in a different scenerio. I can't get Jon to pick up a broom, so how am I going to get him to take a kid from me with a dirty diaper?! I am not. Exactly. This is what I've realized. I don't want all the burdon of raising a kid on my own. It takes a partnership to make a baby, it takes a partnership to raise a child properly and I want that sort of partnership before I have kids. I may marry Jon one day, and that would be great. But I never want kids with him, and I'd be fine without kids too. I am just saying. I won't take on the responsibility unless I find someone willing to take on the same responsibilities with me. And Jon has proven time and time again that he is not ready for that. The ONLY person I have ever found that I thought it would work out with, I wouldn't end up a single mom or a married parent without the help, is Andre. God, I totally think if I wasn't with Jon I'd be with 'dre. I adore him so much. I am so excited he's coming back to the states. He's my bestest friend. I can tell him anything. I trust him with my life. I am so honored to have him in my life and that he is my friend to start out with. *Sigh* If only things were different. Maybe one day they will be. I should be grateful for what I have in front of me now, and what I am capable of doing now. Not daydreaming! *Bad Tabitha!!! BAD!* *Slap* Grrrr....
Anyway, off to have another adventure with my cousin around!
Hugs~
Tabs

Dreams

2009-05-26T16:57:00.000-07:00

Hello, I am back! Well, today has been rather productive (in my terms ofcoarse). I went to the bank and deposited $140 from the garage sale. Headed over to James Avery where I spent $26 for them to add 5 charms to my bracelet, and they fucked it up. GRRR! SO, I am going to take it to Barton Creek Mall tomorrow and see if I can't get them to do it right there. (GRRRRR). I still have yet to take the other stuff to SafePlace, and I'll take in the recycle tomorrow too. Anyway, so while my beloved James Avery jewelry was getting polished and charms added, I went to Wal-mart and got the $5 back on the dumb King Kong movie we already bought. I wish Jon would ask me before buying movies which ones we had because I think I know better than he does! The sad thing is, I haven't even seen over half of the movies he owns! So then I wondered back to James Avery, got my stuff, they were really busy and so I just left a bit dissappointed in them. I prefer the people at Barton Creek anyways. Then I meandered to Kelly's Closet to see if they'd sell my stuff on consignment. Nope. No jewelry. Well shit. I have over 150 pairs of earrings made and nobody to buy them. :-( And the guy there was a complete jerk too. It seems like everytime I walk in there they are rude to me. Screw you Kelly's Closet. Stupidly overpriced already used crap. I'd rather spend my money at Salvation Army and know my money is going to help people. Anyway, so I came home and started working on my book again. Well the damn thing isn't gonna write itself, so I guess I gotta do it. LOL. I like it. I like reading what I write because I amuse myself (somebody has to amuse me, and since I was an only child, I've had lots of practice amusing myself over the years). I have no idea if anybody else will read my book, but I won't ever know if I don't try.
Ah, and yet again, my mind wonders. I wonder if I am as nutty as my grandmother? What if I could live in a world where there were no 'what if's'? Would I be satisfied then? What would I do in my spare time? What would I dream about if there was no such thing as an alternative reality where I could dream about what if's all day? I am always saying, well, if this didn't happen than blah blah blah. And what would happen if I had done this this way? Why do I dwell on stupid shit? Uggg. I feel like I could really kick myself in the ass sometimes. I drive myself nuts. I blame it on my having Sagittarius (a fire sign) with Venus (Love) in Capricorn (Earth). My love life grounds me, but my individuality makes me want freedom so bad I can't stand it. But is that really it? Or is it because of morals? I have a moralistic obligation to do what's right. What's ethical. No wonder everybody always thought of me as a goody goody. It's a lose lose situation. If I did what I had really wanted I would have lost something great. If I didn't, I would still wonder. DAMMIT. Sometimes I really hate life. I really hate that I can't get all this shit off my mind. God, I dream about living in Corpus Christi and going to school there. Here's the scenario: I am working a fun job that I LOVE. I am single. The Jaschkenator is my roomie/home girl. (I know, she wants to be a nurse and go to UTSA or UTMB in Galveston, but chill, this is MY dream.) We chill at the beach and study together. We meet hot guys but neither of us commit. We graduate and I open up my own marriage counseling firm. Amanda is an awesome nurse. This is scenario number one. The other thing I used to dream when I was in high school was that I was a model. I'd have my own huge house and all my friends lived with me. Here again, I am single. I take care of the people I love and cherish. I buy nice cars for all my friends and have a huge garage to store them in. I myself have a 1979 Camero in tip top shape and my Hyundai Accent (Star ofcoarse) is fixed and awesome as ever. I also have a nice white on outside and tan leather interior convertable car. I buy a Lotis Elise for Andre. I would buy Sarah the Jeep Cherokee of her dreams. And whomever else I felt like buying cars for, I would. I'd have fun modeling and I'd spend my free time volunteering. That would be the life. But where am I? I am stuck in Lakeway, not going to school or anything and wasting my life away. When will I get my shit together? Why do I always wait on other people? Part of me wants to just up and leave. Take Tyler and Star and go to Corpus. The other part of me loves Jon and could never do that to him. One day I'll figure out how to live with myself. *Sigh*
Later,
Tabs

Things I want....

2009-05-25T05:14:00.000-07:00

Good morning world!
Well, I had a bitch of a dream I woke up from and it got me to think about some stuff. Basically in my dream I was going back to High School in Eureka Springs, Arkansas. For some unknown reason I had dropped out and was taking college courses but then I had to go back and get my diploma from high school. Wierd how dreams fuck up things isn't it? Anyway, there was like a big huge pep rally and some famous star was going to be there to rally us all up. Apparently it was for a soccer game, (which happened to have LT players on it...another subconscious flaw) and there were these punk rock people in the front. This chic came out (the famous one) and tried to get the crowd energetic but instead there was a long silence after her saying we have to find courage to beat our competition or some shit. Finally some dude clapped and then more clapping followed by other students. Souvineer black footballs were being thrown around to students (for a fucking soccer game? WTF?) and people started to break up. The punk rock chic caused some kind of rucus and people scattered. I saw people I knew talking about thier futures and what they were going to college for and stuff. A girl that I knew IRL named Amber Freeman walked past me and I told her she jinxed me. I had to come back, she laughed and continued walking. I woke up.
Hmmm... *sigh* I am at a crossroads. I hate working. If I never had to work another day of my life I'd be ECSTATIC! Work is bullshit. You get up in the morning to get ready to deal with assholes all day, get there and hate it, finally get home and pop open some sort of liquor to make you forget what happened at all that day and to help you sleep because you know you have to go back the next day. I hate work. Period. I love school though. I love learning. I was one of those geeks in high school that loved being there and learning stuff until my senior year. By then I was sick of other students, not so much school. I was just sick of the drama, and wanted to get away from it. But other than your typical high school he said she said shit, I loved it there. I want to go back to college to learn about psychology. I am not sure I could handle trying to 'fix' someone, but I like learning why they are fucked up and if there really is a cure or not. I mean, my real grandmother is in a half way house now but has been in an insane asylum for years. She was a paraniod schitzophrenic and I still have yet to figure out what all that means. I want details. I want to know how I can AVOID the family genes. I want to know if it is even avoidable. I want to know if my mom is down the same path since she's been such a nutjob lately. I am full of questions I want answered, and the only way I can answer them is to learn all I can about psychology. So on one hand I want to go back to school. On the other, I want Jon and I to open a business together. I shy away from it like I do everything else with him though. I know why too. I want to be married for real, but I don't want any kids. We got into this long discussion again about me and kids. Jon thinks it's because of my relationship with my mom that has caused me to decide that I don't want kids. He said I have high expectations of parents and he thinks I won't meet my own expectations. He is right on that, I do have high expectations. When a kid is jumping up and down on the booth seat behind you in a restaurant, I don't want to slap the kid, he or she may not know better, I want to slap the shit out of the parent for NOT TEACHING the kid not to do that shit. The apple only falls so far from the tree. Not only that but kids cost an arm and a leg. I don't have the money to pay my bills now (due to my lack of motivation to work in the first place) let alone to have kids. You have all the pregnancy shit do deal with then while that's all going on you have to spend money on car seats, diapers, toiletries, clothes, crib, changing table, stroller and all that other shit. The worst part is that you can't buy most of this stuff used. So every baby born fucks up our environment just that much more. Ok ok, so enough ranting on stupid babies. I don't want one. Period. But the other stuff, like the business with Jon, I shy away from it because I know how it's going to end up. Jon just wants it to be open, he doesn't want to do the backbone work of research and development. He wants it opened and he'll 'run' the place. Although I know he is an excellent manager, getting to that point would be put all on my shoulders. Just like everything with the house. He doesn't help me do shit. I do the laundry, the dishes, the vaccuuming, cleaning the toilets, showers and sinks. He cooks. The only reason he cooks is because I refuse to cook so we'd starve if he didn't do that. Ok, so take my situation of me doing fucking everything and imagine the two of us having a kid. Wait. Who cleans up after the kid, spends all the time with the kid, changes the kids diapers and cleans up vomit? Oh wait, that would be me because Jon is stereotypical in that's 'women's work'. Whatever. And as far as a business goes? If it starts to fall apart it's all on me. I didn't research enough, I didn't choose the right place do this right do that right blah blah blah. So why do I refrain from stuff with Jon? Basically he is as lazy as I am I guess. *sigh*
Jon says I am an expensive person. Although I do believe it was he who wanted to get me my expensive Christmas gift last year, it was he who wanted a brand new truck that turned out to be a piece of shit, and he who always wants stuff. I asked for a laptop. I spent $350 on a laptop. I do admit, I have a soft spot for James Avery jewelry. Anybody wants to get me anything for birthday or Christmas, get me a charm and I'll be ecstatic (no crosses please)! And with that note, a lot of my James Avery goodies I have bought off of Ebay because it was cheaper to. Although I did buy a lot of my charms new too. At any rate, I have my laptop and my J.A. jewelry, otherwise I think I am fine.
So we had the garage sale last weekend. Christine is an idiot, she put out the signs before stuff was out and then got pissed off that there were people there at 7:20 am. Even though the signs said "8 am". Like mexicans can read. (I know I know, but there was literally a zoo of mexicans there when we got there and we couldn't even unload our shit because they were in the way). I made a whopping $41.25. If you include the money I got from Sarah, it was $120.25, Chris and Christine made $180 something. What does this boil down to? The forty bucks paid for gas to get there and back with all of our shit. What a waste. I am going to just give everything to SafePlace now. OOOHHHH...which reminds me. Jennifer is leaving SafePlace in July, so there may be an actual job position opening up there. Man I'd love to work there. People there are freaken amazing. But maybe that's because I don't work there already.
Maybe I am expensive. I want an engagement ring from here http://www.brilliantearth.com/rings/blue-sapphire/ and I want a blue sapphire one. The one I really want is on the third page bottom left corner. The round channel diamond and sapphire ring. That is so gorgeous. Although all the rings there are really pretty too though. They are made from recycled jewelry, and they are earth friendly, which is a big plus in my book.
So what does this boil down to? Apparently I need some rich guy who loathes kids as much as me, has an obsession with my cat Tyler like I do and let's me get away with buying jewelry and learning about psychology. *Nice*
~Tabs

Life

2009-05-21T16:08:00.000-07:00

Well, I am back. Writing and listening to Monster Magnet's Head's Explode song. Man I love that Dave guys voice.
Meanwhile, there are many thoughts running through my head as always. Why can't guys just be ok with being friends? One guy only texts me or chats with me on aim when he's horny. Like I am some kind of piece of meat. He tried to do it again today and it pissed me off. He wrote that he was still in bed (at like 11 am or so) and that he went to go take a shower, took his boxers off and ended up back in bed on the computer. (Like I need to know any, let alone all, of this information). I told him that I too was laying in bed, but unlike him I am fully clothed. He then said that if he came over he could change that. I replied, Nope, I am taken. He writes LOL. (WTF is funny about that?) Then he says "Oh snap, my phone is about to die. I'll ttyl." To which I reply "How Convenient" then b/c I was pissed i wrote "W/E". He writes "What?" and I blocked his ass. Seriously, is there anything other than sex and sports guys talk and or think about?
Now Queen of You is playin (Monster Magnet again). Anyway, I thought it was convenient for his phone to just stop working when I made it clear I was not interested on knowing he was horny and I didn't want it to go anywhere. Fuckin jerk. Seriously. Damn.
Then another good friend and I had some run ins the other day. Ya know, I really have no idea how to say no. I always worry about hurting people and never give a damn about hurting myself. I know I am weak. What's worse, is I don't think I deserve to be with Jon since I am so weak. I am trying to be stronger and to resist. It's difficult. I swear, if I were in highschool again or could go back into time, this friend I probably would have dated. Although I am not a big fan of the pot stuff he was into at the time. Actually, to be quite honest, that was a deterrent in me ever asking him out. I knew my parents would flip if I brought a pot-head home as my boyfriend. I'd be grounded for weeks on end. It's difficult because I always wanted to date him, but I am in a very commited relationship now. And although I probably totally hurt him, the one thing I would regret most is breaking Jon's heart. I love Jon. I know I don't show it like he shows it towards me. I am not sure why I do that. But I do love him. And I would not be able to live with myself knowing I did something to hurt him. "You stand on the edge of a silver future...." I love Monster Magnet! (Silver Future playin now). Anyway.... sometimes life just sucks. I can't believe I wasted so much time with Clay when all he did was cheat on me with Carmen of all people. She was my best friend. And she fucked my fiance at the time. Stupid bitch. Fucking asshole. They deserved each other.
"Old man look at my life, 24 and so much more." Neil Young on now....
*sigh* I want to go back to college. I want to be out of credit card debt. I want out of this stupid house. It's great for the short term, but I HATE Lakeway and all the dumbass rich yuppies that live here. I miss South Austin. God, living in my efficiency was truly the best time of my life ever. I miss it. My old efficiency is demolished now. That makes me sad. :-( It was a good little home for me. I can never go back now. It's gone. Not like I could anyways, but yeah.
Why can't my mom be so not a bitch? She keeps talking to me on Sundays and asking why I won't come visit her. She's never gone out of her way to come visit me. Fuck her. She left me. She ABANDONED ME at the WORST TIME ever. I hate Clay for making me go through that miscarriage by myself. It was his. I NEVER cheated on him. Where was my family? Fucking Arkansas because of mom. Lost my best friend (Carmen) and Fiance (Clay), family was gone, going through a miscarriage and Clay never allowed me to have any god damn friends. So I broke all ties with friends because I wanted Clay to be happy with me. I still got screwed over in the end. (Literally). I don't want to see my mom. In fact, if I never saw her again I'd be fine with that. Dad on the other hand, I miss him. How's he put up with all of mom's shit? Hell if I know.
Jon lets me have friends and I guess now I realise why Clay was such a jealous jerk. I guess I am totally naive to other people's thoughts and motives. *sigh*
Anyways, I am doing a garage sale this weekend in north austin at Jon's sister's house. Yay. Sell shit and make the much needed money. God I need money. God I hate working. This causes a HUGE delimma don't you think? I am excited that I'll get to go pick up Monika from my aunt's mom's house and she's gonna stay here with me for 5 days or so. I really need some Monika time. She's the only one I can talk to about guy shit, and she usually is pretty smart on it too.
Bec wants to hang out with me while she's in town. I dunno. She's so fucked up. I think I'll stick to Sarah. She's not fucked up! LOL!
Well that's my shit as of now. I think I'll go dance to Hella Good by No Doubt.
~Tabs

Randomness....

2009-05-01T18:02:00.000-07:00

Are you ever too old to have a crush on someone? Why is it I ALWAYS have a crush on someone? I am in a committed relationship, with a person I love dearly, and I still fantasize and drool over other guys. What is wrong with me?! So other than these fantasies that come and go, I also have this wish of having my own condo. Just recently it's gotten worse. Like, I want one NOW. On the beach, where I can get my education at A&M Corpus Christi. Flood me, hurricane my ass in the sky, I don't care, I want to live there and go to school there sooooo bad! I am putting my life on hold because of Jon's parents. They are in Aussieland and here we are taking care of the house and dogs and stuff. I miss living in my efficiency in South Austin. They demolished my old apartments. It was on South Lamar across from Slick Willies right next door to Planet K. Planet K used to be the shit, now it's shitty. They are turning into Hot Topic, and Planet K was soooo it's own style. Like Lone Star Illusions when it was at Barton Creek Mall...it was awesome. Now that it's on South Congress, it's turned into a shitty hot topic overpriced crappily made stuff to sell place. I miss what keeps Austin wierd. It's slowly fading into what makes every where else preppy. That sucks. I am a South Austinite by heart, and anybody from Austin will totally get that. Not from Austin, go fly a kite cause you'll never figure out what I am ranting about this time.
Ok, so that covered crushes, nostalgia and shopping, and some school.
Wedding of my sister-in-law starts in two days. Yippie.
Later~
Tabs

A blog I wrote elsewhere & needed to transfer

2009-05-01T17:06:00.000-07:00

Hello.
I wrote the following some time ago (about two weeks ago) on facebook (because I have an account there too). Due to certain circumstances I am being coerced into removing from facebook. I wanted to keep the comments and such from co-workers (soon to be ex-coworkers) as memories of the wonderful people I met and worked with. I figured it was safer moving my blog here since nobody really knows about this spot where I blab about stuff at. So...I am cutting it, pasting it here, and then taking it off of facebook so that I comply with the wishes of others. Here it goes:

What went down and the reprocussions of it....

Thursday, April 23, 2009 at 10:57pm

Many of you have asked what happened and what is going on. So I am writing it here so that you will know and there will be no misunderstandings.
Last Tuesday (the 21st) I came in to work early like I always do. Upon arrival in the break room, I noticed bright neon green signs everywhere stating that we had a MANDATORY cashiers meeting, 8 pm this upcoming Sunday. For those of you who do not know, my sister-in-law (Jon's sis) is getting married May 3rd at the Renaissance Festival. His parents are coming in from Australia tomorrow and we have plans for the days I am off/not working. So upon reading the signs I immediately told my head cashier that I will not be making it (Lynne - Jon's mom - and Christine - Jon's sis- and I have a salon meeting after I get off work and then we have dinner plans for that night to go over last minute details on the wedding). Richard was my head cashier and he told me to go talk to Melissa. So I go to talk to Melissa and she's ofcoarse not in her office. I turn around to leave and she comes out of the cash office. I said "Just the person I am looking for, I need to speak with you". She says "What do you want?" So I proceed to tell her that I am not able to make it to the meeting because I have plans for that night. She told me "well this is a MANDATORY meeting" and I said, well, what can I do? I can't make it at that time. I explained to her that my in-laws were coming in from Aussieland and that we have had this planned for two months. She then asks "So did you REQUEST to work that morning and that's why you aren't working after two that day?" I said, "No, my AVAILABILITY says I am not available after 2 pm on Sundays so I plan ACCORDINGLY". Well then Melissa gets all upset and tells me "Well this isn't a meeting you can just 'blow off' or something 'extra'. Pertinent information is going to be covered in this meeting and you need to be there." So I guess I had a dumb look on my face or something because after a pause she said, "So what are you telling me? That your just not going to come?". WTF?! Seriously, did God forget to PUT A BRAIN IN HER HEAD WHEN SHE WAS BORN??? I am doing the responsible thing and telling her I can not make it BEFOREHAND and if she's just gonna be shitty about it what is the point of being responsible? I should have just skipped it and been like 'Oh, I forgot' or some bs when she asked the following Tuesday. She then said "If you're not going to come, then I guess you are just not going to come" ~Wow, really? NO SHIT! I then explained to her that I have NEVER missed a cashier's meeting since the day I started working at Lowe's, and I ALWAYS change my schedule around so that I can make the meetings when it is stated CLEARLY that I am NOT available after 2 pm on Sundays on my availability form. She then *realizes* oh, so that's what your availability states? She then says "FINE" all pissed off and goes back to shuffling papers or whatever the hell it is she does. Seriously, isn't it her JOB to review the schedules? Shouldn't she KNOW my availability by now?! AND WTF? Here I am trying to be good, doing the right thing by informing my boss that I can't make it and she treated me like shit. That is totally unacceptable in my book.
After that I was pretty distraught, and told Richard that I'd be looking for another job because I don't deserve to be treated like that. He told me to go talk to Bob. I go to Bob's office and there's like a million people in there....so I backed out and went back to Richard. He tells me to go talk to Gloria. I told her what happened and she wanted me to write out a statement to put on my file of what happened and how I felt about it. So you know what? I damn sure did it. I made SURE to include that the last meeting we had Melissa told us to follow certain policies and procedures and that management would back us up just to find out promptly the next day that EVERYTHING SHE SAID was NULL and VOID per Georgie. I also stated that I am fully confident that my head cashiers can relay any PERTINENT information to me. Seriously, why have head cashiers if you don't trust them to relay things to the 'normal' cashiers?
So, that's what happened. I made sure to put in my statement too that this is not the first time I felt Melissa was rude to me or to other employees. I was so pissed off I couldn't stop thinking about it on my day off (how pathetic is that?). So, today I put in my two weeks notice. I came in to my shift early like always and went straight to Bob's office. I gave him my letter of resignation and he asked me why I was leaving and what happened. I told him everything. He asked me if I had any other jobs lined up or anything, and as some of you already know, Jon and I have wanted to open up our own franchise, so I told him we had been working on that but otherwise, no, I don't. I don't NEED this job, it's extra money, I worked mainly because I liked working there. But I am not going to put up with that kind of crap. Bob said he was very concerned that I didn't feel appreciated working there anymore and he'd definitely have a talk with Melissa. There are some other managers I don't get along with, but she's the main one. I told Bob I don't feel like I could move to another department or anything because she'd still be a main manager (so it's not like if I get transferred out of cashiering into something else I could 'get away' from her). He said if my mind is set he can't change it, and he told me he hates to see me go.
Later Ms. Gloria wanted to talk to me and she said that she's heard things from other people but no one wants to write a statement and have it on their file because they don't want to have reprocussions. She thanked me for doing this for all the people who work there and NEED their jobs and get treated like crap and take it because they don't want to LOSE their jobs. Things may change and Bob may find a way to keep me on board, I only have problems with minimum people there (which is WAY better than like having problems with every person I meet) but I am not waiting on any miracles to happen.
Hopefully this answers some questions for y'all. Sorry about the ranting. Thanks SOOOOO Much to Keith for always letting me go rant-happy around him .... poor guy, he's like "Get her to shut up already!" :-)
These next two weeks should go quite well, because I just don't give a fuck anymore.
Hugs~
Tabs

Bec at 11:06 pm April 23

well, good luck woman!!!!!! And proud of u for standing up for urself, and sounds like others. In this time of depression in America, most people would take the job and the problems and possibly do things to harm themselves. But you stood up and said "times suck, times are hard but I'm not making $0 and getting SLACK at the same time".....let the ... Read Morerude bossy lady get fired when they decide she's ruining their business in these already hard times. Some people would even go as far as harming other people when it comes to money!! So good for you, and wish u luck! Love Love!

Monica at 11:53pm April 23

i ♥ you. lowes has changed. i wish i could quit but i cant find anything that pays as well.

Keith at 12:31am April 24

tabs, i'm always here to listen to you rant. sometimes that makes you feel soooo much better and i understand that. not only am i here for you as a head cashier but also as a friend. you're an awesome girl and an even better co-worker. i always enjoy working with you, as i do MOST of the cashiers there. i emphasize MOST haha

Me at 9:47am April 24

:-D When I have parties b/c I am rich off my ass from this franchise I'll definitely have y'all on my VIP list! :-P Monica, keep in touch with me, when we get the business rolling we'll need employees (not many at first but eventually we want multiple stores) and I'd LOVE to have you work for me...if you are interested. O'coarse, you may start your own turtle farm and won't need Lowe's or me ;-) who knows?
♥ ya'll~
Tabs

Me at 9:48am April 24

P.S. Thanks Keith, that means a lot to me! :-)

Monica at 5:56pm April 24

lol i really want to breed turtles...what kind of franchise? or is it top secret stuff that you cant discuss? good luck!!

Stephanie at 6:53pm April 24

Wow! Long story but, VERY WELL stated and understood. I feel the same way you do! I agree 100% with you and as a manager for Lowe's I think that says A LOT. Lowe's doesn't know what they will be missing! I can ALWAYS count on you for superior customer service and doing the right thing! You are by far one of the better cashiers there! I'm glad you ... Read Moretook initiative to do the right thing by submitting a statement! Imagine how many people we've either lost or will lose in the future because of the same thing. It's sad. regardless of one's mood, NO ONE deserves to be treated the way you were and you totally did the RIGHT thing. Any info could have been relayed to you. i will miss you greatly but am proud you did the right thing and hope to see some change happen because of this! WAY TO GO! 2 thumbs up from me! =]

Me at 7:36pm April 24

Haha, *Tabs imagines Monica all happy on her turtle farm* Jon and I wanted to open up a gamestop here in Bee Caves since the closest one is in Lakeline Mall, Barton Creek Mall and off of Brodie. There's also one in Westlake. But unfortunately when we looked into it they were not opening any new franchises due to the crappy economy. So we kept ... Read Moresearching and found a place similar based out of California called Play N Trade. We've already contacted them and found out that the closest Play N Trade to us is in Round Rock so we took a day trip there to check it out. It's pretty cool. They sell everything from old Atari's to new PS3's, all the games and components too. We will be trained on how to fix old systems, how to fix old games and resell them. We are both gaming nerds and totally excited to do this! We are talking to a lawyer next Friday and hopefully will have things rolling! YAY!

Me at 7:36pm April 24

Stephanie,
Thank you! That means a lot! I think this will be better for everyone! At least I hope so!! And I'll miss you too!!! :-)

Sarah I. at 1:52pm April 25

Hey Tabs, thats Awesome! I really hope everything works great for you guys with the store! Let me know if you need another employee! I could do weekends! Hahahaha

Jax at 4:46pm April 25

Good luck w/your new biz-nass. And fuck the bullshit at your soon to be old job. Sounds like a fun buisness to start, i'd like to talk to you guys about that a little when we chill again.

Me at 9:24pm April 25

Jax.... which is when? (when are we gonna chill again?!!) I MISS YOU!
Thanks Sar!

Dunn at 11:31pm April 25

bam! ownage. that was awesome. too bad i cant do that in the navy

Jax at 12:50am April 26

iono when we'll chill next, but i think i'll walk into lowes and rip a big fart and leave.

Me at 8:15pm April 26

after I am gone ofcoarse... ;-) I ♥ u! :-)

Shelly K. at 9:22pm April 26

u go girl!! i know how u feel about not getting along with someone u work with i have that sone problem at ny job but i have o keep ths job now i cant go anywhere else that will pay more then 11.45 an hour.

2009-04-13T10:16:00.000-07:00

I am back. Hope everybody had a chipper Easter. I won a ring off of Ebay, well I was bidding on it and the auction was up when I was at work. So Jon won it for me, but by accident it went to our old address in Lubbock! BOOH! So a month and a half later, it's finally on my finger!! YAY! I LOVE it!!! :-) It's a retired James Avery Garnet ring that looks like it's on a silver ribbon (the silver is done like that, it's pretty cool).
When it rains it poors man. Star got a flat tire, so I took her in to get fixed, well they people there said the tire was too bald to repair. So, we had to get a new one. Upon further inspection, it was suggested that I could use four new tires. We just bought Jon four new tires because he had TWO flats...damn nails! So, we got four new tires put on Star. The next day, after having her brand spankin new tires, damn brakes go out. FUCK! Always something! So I was carless for a day, she sat at the shop. My back brakelines were leaking and back pads/shoes were worn completely down. So.... Saturday I got my car back. YIPPIE!!! So, good things come to those who wait... got my ring, got my car...I am broke but I have a roof over my head and grub in my tummy, so that's more than enough for me! YAY!!! :-)
On another note, weddings are too expensive. Chris and Christine are getting married at the Renaissance Festival. I tried to crochet a Renaissance style top and the directions pissed me off. The wedding is two weeks away. Yay for procrastination! Grrrr!
I'll figure some shit out. That's the news as of now...
Cheers~
~Tabs

Serious Thoughts...

2009-03-20T19:20:00.001-07:00

Hello...
Well, I am back and reading a book (again, always some book right?) called 'The Childless Revolution' by Madelyn Cain. OMG, this is ME. This book was written for, and about, women like me who HATE kids, don't ever want kids, aren't kid people for whatever reason. I LOVE IT!
I have seriously contemplated not having children ever and having my tubes tied three times. I never did it because it costs an arm and a leg. Once I can afford an arm and a leg you bet your bottom I am going to get my tubes tied. No kids for me, EVER! So you want to call me selfish? Rude? You want to say that 'just wait until later your maternal clock will go off'? I have a book full of women who said that they never wanted kids, they are in their fifties, never had them and still had fullfilling lives. I think just the oppisite, it is selfish to 'preserve the family name' and to 'keep our species going'. Have you SEEN how over populated the world is? I think if I don't have kids I am doing Earth a favor! I have no qualms with people who genuinely want kids. They know they want them and because they WANT kids they'll make terrific parents. I don't. I'd make a shitty parent, thus having a shitty kid who'd turn into a fucked up adult that would go see a therapist who's first question is "tell me about your childhood" where the fucked up adult goes into detail about neglect from parents and the aweful burdon he knows he was to them. Believe me, I am doing the world a favor.
Selfish? Fine, call me that if you must, at least I ACKNOWLEDGE I am selfish and refrain from fucking up some li'l kids life by being a selfish parent who puts herself first, instead of her kid the way it should be. Hypocritical for just saying that? Probably. Sue me. This is about what other people think, this is about me (since I am selfish) and what I want out of life (there again, since I am selfish).
Anywho, this book is freaken awesome. Before this book, I never even THOUGHT about our famous Oprah Winfrey... she's childless. She was asked why in an interview and she said " I do not have the time to care for a child as a parent should, so I do not have kids". Holy crap! Oprah doesn't have kids.... how come I never thought of that? LOL! There again, who'd fuck Oprah? Ewww....
Ok, so I am happy to have gotten this book and it's helping me see things clearly. Not only that, but I spent time with Sarah the other day. Her and Jacob are split up and she's gotta tote Robbie around all the time... she looks miserable. Yup... I don't want a slimey, goey glob of skin that spills from either end on a regular basis to be my responsibility. I think I'll stick to my cat!
So that's what's on my mind,
~Tabs

Grrr to work I say, GRRRRR!

2009-03-17T08:34:00.001-07:00

So lately I've been having a hard time at work. Customers come up and want their 'ten percent off/contractors discount' and not even a month ago we had a huge meeting about how we were NEVER to do that again. Management would back us up... blah blah blah. What happens? Saturday a customer comes up to me, rude from the very start about his 'contractor's discount' and tells me 'Just give me a manager' and whips out a huge manilla folder full of reciepts from this month alone with his stupid ten percent off. So I call a manager three times and nobody shows up. I call the phones and nobody answers. Steven finally comes and next thing I know he's approving it making ME look like the incompetant cashier. So that made me furious. I find out that apparently the next day after the meeting cashiers who were working were told that the meeting was complete bs and don't listen to any of it. So they wasted an hour and a half of my PERSONAL TIME to tell me all this bs then the next day tell me promptly to ignore it?! Not only that, they NEVER TOLD ME! Gaw!
Now, because life sucked so bad on Saturday (that was just one of many incidents that happened) I called in on Sunday. Screw you people. I have off Monday, and I called Monday night around 7 pm to see when I was scheduled to work on Tuesday. They tell me 2pm - 10 pm. No problem. So I plan to stay out late no biggie since I don't have to be up early in the morning or anything.... just for them to call me at 9:00 pm Monday night and leave a message asking me to come in at 6 am instead since Ashley our cash office girl is sick. SCREW YOU! Why didn't you call me earlier than 9 pm the night before you want me to come in at 6 am???!! Not only that, but because of them I am not in Ruhi anymore because they are JERKS to me when I am in cash office and I missed so many meetings plus I got yelled at at work for not doing the cash office stuff right! If they had trained me appropriately it wouldn't have been a problem! So NO, I am NOT going in at 6 am when you call me a mere 9 hours before! I really am starting to hate this place... we need our own business and PRONTO!
Anywho... it's St. Patty's Day... I better go put on some green so I don't get pinched.
Hugs~
Tabs

My thoughts for today

2009-03-16T11:35:00.000-07:00

Ah, I am back. Man, everything seems so odd to me lately. I had a dream about the house I grew up in, (this happens often, don't worry) and how there were bums living in it. They broke a window and just set up shop there so to speak. In my dream I was furious that anybody would break a window on a house. I dunno. When I was ten I really wanted to buy that place when I 'got older'. But mom and dad sold it to Mike, and so I was like, oh, well, I can buy it from him later on then... but since then he's sold it... and whomever bought it I am sure they sold it and on and on it goes. I want to cry. My grandfather did all the rockwork on it. He made the sidewalks, the flower gardens, the driveway himself. Grandma planted all the flowers herself. Grandpa did the rockwork and cement porches on either side. Dad did the awning in the back of the house. Now... now the house looks like a run down trailor on a shitty lot. It used to be so beautiful to me. How I wish I could get over this.
I've become greedy lately and I can't seem to shake it off. I see stuff I want everywhere, but I am up to my ears in debt. No reason to buy more crap...I should pay off my old crap. Seriously.
Part of me wants to have kids, marriage and an 'adult' life. The other part of me wants to forever stay free, uninhibited and not tied down to any one thing or person. My best friend talked to me today. I am glad we got to talk. His mom seems to really like me, and for the life of me I have no idea why. I guess she sees the things I've done for her son and sees it as I am a good person, but honestly, I'd do anything for him in the world. Anything at all, all he'd have to do is just ask and if I could, I'd do whatever it was. If it weren't for him, I would have never gotten to know my aunt or uncle or cousin. I would have had this hate inside me. Although I am not completely over the things that happened in the past, I have grown and I've learned from it all. So all I can do is be his friend and help him when he needs help, which does not even closely equate to the things he's done for me. His mom didn't understand why I stayed with Jon. I am not sure what to say to that. I have never been one to up and leave, I usually am in for the long haul no matter how bad it gets. I guess it's just who I am. I am overtly optimistic and try to make the best of things. I really admire Andre's mom though, she's like a super-mom. She holds down a full time job, is really involved in the Baha'i Faith and still has time for her three year old daughter and 14 year old son. How does she do all that? It fascinates me. She's so loving too. Seems like she could never be angry at anyone for anything. Andre is so lucky to have such an amazing mom. I can totally see where he gets it from, he's just as incredibly amazing. I know he has his faults, slamming doors when he's pissed off, giving the silent treatment when he's really pissed off, driving like a maniac with his flashers on because it gives him 'Civic Power' so he can powerslide into a parking spot.... not necessarily the best thing for you or your car... but yeah. He's so pure though. He has this idea of how things should be. How relationships should be and how marriage works. I am scared for him. I know that he's amazing, and hopefully the woman he chooses to marry will see that too. Relationships are seldom what you expect them to be and they are hard work. I am not saying he wouldn't make an excellent boyfriend/husband, I am saying though, his perfect image of a wife seems like it may get shattered, and I don't want to ever see that happen. I care so much about him I'd hate to see all his dreams shatter. I know I would never make his list of 'perfect partners' (because I am so far far away from perfect it's not even funny) but I still just don't want to see him hurt. That's all really. I want things to work out for him. If I can't make him happy I want someone else to be able to. I will back off, I have tried already to do that, I am not sure if I am doing a good job at it, but I have distanced myself from him. It's hard for me though. I've become so dependant on him (which really isn't like me, I prefer to be independant from everybody) and I am sure he thinks I am needy at times. What I am getting at is if he ends up in a relationship I will respect it and I will honor it. It's bound to happen sooner or later anyways, so I might as well stop clinging to him. The rub lies in the fact that he's the only person I can truly trust. I don't trust anyone else as much as him. Not even Jon. I am not sure why, never really have been sure either. But I have to stop this for his sake. Who cares about my sake, I have to do this so he can have a healthy relationship with Ms. Perfect (whomever that might be). Cause she's gonna turn into "Ms.-Get-The-Fuck-Away-From-My-Andre" if I don't knock it off, and later that's just going to screw up my friendship with him, which I never ever want. Nor do I want to ever get between him and the ones he loves. *Sigh*
So Jon and I want to open up a "Play N Trade" here. There's nothing like it out here where we live so it's a really good opportunity for us. The thing is the money up front is non-existant right now. We are planning to meet with Cory to see if he wouldn't mind lending us the money, we'll see though. I am not going to get too dependant on him, there are back up plans incase he doesn't work out. Hopefully in 5 months I'll be working for myself instead of incompetant managers who change their mind every two seconds. Meanwhile Jon is pulling unemployment, and with me still working, we are doing ok. I just need to cut back on my materialistic edge.
I frusterate myself because I don't know what I think about religion. I can't seem to grasp just one that encompasses everything I believe in. And the ones that come close, I don't seem to commit to. I don't like to commit to things apparently. I think that's my main problem. As much as I want it, for some reason I shy away. Stupid Earth signs and Fire signs being in my birth chart. Earth wants to have security, fire wants to wonder.... they are total oppisite and I am stuck trying to find middle ground.
Anyway, nothing else is really on my mind, so I suppose I will go. I hope, I pray, that the love I have for Andre will just one day be the love of friendship.... it's the best for both of us.

*Hugs*
Tabs

oh hum,....

2009-03-03T09:19:00.000-08:00

Ah, well, I am back.
I tried to get another job but nothing seems to really be working out. I hate work. Grrr. My cousin is being a brat. She told a friend of mine she's coming into town but hadn't told me yet because I am "too busy to talk to her" according to her. She never emails me, and I have no idea if she's tried calling since my phone's been dead for the last week. I hate phones. I love email and snail mail. Anyway, so yeah, that sucks. Like it matters, she freaken dumped me last time she was going to come here to go to Europe and fuck some dude she met at the airport in New York. So you know what, I don't care if she's coming or not, I really don't want to see her. Last time I emailed her she never wrote me back, so tell me, who doesn't have time for whom? Meanwhile my mom is calling leaving odd messages like "what's up?" and hanging up. WTF leaves a message like that? Her last one just said "I love you" with no call back number or anything. Whatever. I don't care. I hope things start going better. We'll see what happens. I talked to Andre briefly the other day, he's still alive so that's good. Otherwise I have nothing.
Later,
Tabs

Grrrrr

2009-02-19T09:08:00.000-08:00

Hello...
Today I am incredibly angry at the whole world. First, the economy sucks. My dumbass husband won't take a minimum wage job since he got canned because drawing unemployment will give him 60% of what he was making...but that's only if they don't deny him unemployment. Get a job flippin burgers...no big deal. When we first got together I paid off a ticket he had because there was a warrent out for his arrest for non-payment. Four years later, he's laid off and he again, has a warrent out for his arrest. I am not paying his dumb ticket. He should have kept up with it and not let it get out of hand like this. Our credit card debt is through the roof, our bills are horribly high despite the fact we don't pay water or rent. I don't understand how we can still be in so much debt after having such a grand opportunity of not worrying about getting evicted (since we don't pay rent) or no water (since we have a rain-water collection tank). Two bills that we would have to otherwise pay are abolished for the time being, and he has more debt than if we had to pay them. I don't get it. So while he's telling me that he is worth X amount of money for a job and that he won't just take some rinky-dink job to make ends meet, wtf am I doing? I am looking for a SECOND, that's right SECOND job. Unlike him, I don't want to be in debt the rest of my life. I am making plans to get shit paid off and cut up the credit cards that we don't need in the first place. What would be wonderful is if we BOTH had two jobs we could pay the debts off FASTER....but I can't even get him to get one job, so the hell with that.
Another thing I am pissed off about is my parents. They told me they'd never abandon me or cut me off from the 'family' yet they stopped writing letters and responding to me for three years. They even sent my letters back to me. Now they just fucking call out of the blue and expect me to drop everything to 'chat' with them. Fuck them. They LIED to me. I was being HONEST with them. I told them I was not thier religion out of respect for them. I did not think it was right to lie to them about what I do/do not believe. So here I am all honest, they fuckin lie to me and then procede to tell everybody what a bad apple I've become. Phil Collins song, "I don't care anymore" sums up everything on my end. They died to me. I went through all the steps of grieving, and now, I want nothing to do with them. My mom always solved problems by whoever was causing them, she'd cut them off, ignore them and the problems and people would 'magically go away'. She made it clear to me that she never wanted kids, I was a mistake, and then when I turned 18 I was kicked out of the house and dumped off with my boyfriend. Basically I took it as a "good riddence" sign from them. So I stopped. I don't talk to them anymore. I don't call or write, mom never wanted me in her life, now I am out and now she calls me? FUCK YOU! I thought she wanted me out of her life, I am gone, fuck off.
I hate dogs too. I really hate living in this house with four dogs. They are obnoxious, untrained, irritating animals. I just need to get my financial shit together and go from there. The number one problem between Jon and I is that we always have financial problems. He doesn't believe in saving money at all. He spends it before we even get it. It blows. So now, four years later, another warrent is out, I am in debt and pissed off once more.
Life sucks
~Tabs

I hate money

2009-02-17T06:01:00.000-08:00

Hello...I am back.
I am sorta bummed out. Jon lost his job a couple weeks ago and still doesn't have one. I hope something happens soon (as in, I hope he finds a job soon) because I don't think I can handle paying all the bills by myself with my crappy pay checks. I know they are crappy, but they are better than nothing at all. I really want an office job. I used to work at a law firm but it seems that since that was so long ago, all the software has changed and you have to know how to use up to date software on a computer to be a simple secretary. Nobody wants to train anyone anymore. They just want you to know the stuff already. That's irritating. I bet as soon as you get the job they reprogram (train) you anyway so what does it really matter? I just pray that Jon finds something he enjoys, even if he gets paid what I do (but due to his HUGE EGO he has to get paid MORE THAN ME otherwise he flips out and gets a second job...which I guess right now wouldn't be such a bad thing...but he thinks he's better than minimum wage and won't settle for any amount less than he thinks he's worth...) it would be better than nothing though.
I also have a toll ticket that I didn't pay. Basically I followed this chic who LIVES in North Austin around and due to that, I ended up with a toll ticket, I had no idea I was even on a toll road since I don't like/drive in North Austin/Round Rock area. So I get a three dollar ticket which is fine, but then I forgot about it. Now it's a twenty dollar ticket. Damn! Grrrrr. And the thing is, when I told the chic that I was following that I got the ticket she was like, yeah, we have toll roads here... grrrrr. Anywho, I better pay that before it becomes a sixty dollar ticket. Seriously, it went from three to twenty, geez.
So, I guess I am sick of being a cheerleader. This happens a lot apparently with Jon. He got laid off last year, the year before that he quit McCoy's because they were being jerks, then he gets depressed and I get to be the cheerleader with a job that can only handle so much so then I get depressed. I hate money. It's the root of all evil I think. Seriously. The financial system people have created due to greed, leads to more greed and it's a circle that even the best can't break because you NEED money to live. If you can sustain yourself, your home, your eating habits and everything yourself, you are totally awesome and have figured out how to break the horrible money chain. Money sucks.
So to those of you who have jobs, even if they are crappy, with the way the economy is going, understand how blessed you are and how lucky you are to have your crappy job. Seriously.
*Peace*
~Tabs

New Blog site with my first new blog....

2009-02-16T09:54:00.001-08:00

Hello...
Normally I use Xanga to post my blogs, but I decided I'd wanted to try something new today, so here I am. My name is Tabitha so Tabs Blabs is my title for my stuff since I blab a lot...
I don't get along with my parents, love my cousin to death (her name is Monika and I'll probably blab about her a lot), I am married to a guy named Jon, have a cat that I adore named Tyler and my best guy friend in the world is Andre. All names you should recognise at some point since I blab about them the most. Oh, and since Jon and I have been together we've 'double dated' with another couple who are Otis (aka Otitis) and Karen (aka Karebear) so those will probably be other names I'll drop. And Amanda which sometimes I call "The Jaschkenator".
I work at a Lowe's and live just outside of Austin Texas. I don't party or drink. I love to crochet. I love to read, (Spy vs Spy is my all time favorite comic) and I love to learn about different religions. I am into psychology, trying to major in it in college, but so far it's slow going due to non-major-related-prerequisites that totally suck ass. I cuss like a sailor. I see good qualities in everybody I meet. I am optimistic. I love music. I quote music lyrics and stupid movies a lot. My favorite color is colbolt blue. I adore Seth Rogan films and the actor. I hate math and totally suck at it. I am a CAT LADY not a dog lover...although I live with four dogs, it's not of my doing and my cat and I were sorta forced into it (it's a long story...). There are guys that I always admire for reasons that can't always be explained. I don't have 'a type of guy' that interests me. Seems I am interested in everybody and learning about them. However, I am not a slut I just like getting to know people. My best chic friend since kindergarten is about to get a divorce. She has a kid. She's an Aries and has a short temper. I get along with Leo's, Aquarians and Aries the best. Both of my parents, two family friends (Matt and Mike Mason), a close friend (DJ), my ex-fiance (Clay), my current husband (Jon), my current husbands ex girlfriend/my friend too (Courtney), my ex boss that I adored (Ken), and of coarse my bestest guy friend in the whole world (Andre) and many other VERY influential people in my life, are all, LEO'S with big HUGE EGO'S! Somehow they seem to all get along. I know two Sarahs and Shelly who were all born three days in a row, close friends of mine and they are all Aries'. And if I didn't date a Leo in highschool, I dated Aquarians, and there was one time I dated a Sagittarius, but we could predict each other's moves way to easily, it freaked us out so we broke up. Yes, I am a Sagittarius. I find astrology fascinating. As well as numerology, chineese astrology, magic, wicca, runes, tarot cards etc. "The Jaschkenator" is an Aquarian as is Karebear.
So...in a nutshell of a couple of paragraphs that's an introduction to me and what I am into and people I associate with.
That's all for now...
~Tabs